10 January 2007

strengths and weaknesses

I know I didn't finish that last post. I got bored with my own list of what I did on my New Year's get away. who cares after a while?
Today I am thinking about why I feel the necessity to make things ok with people close to me in times of disagreement. It is so hard for me to just let things rest and take a break when there's a discomfort in the air. I feel like I am resonsible for being the peacekeeper and especially absolving someone in a disagreement. I guess this could be seen as a strength in some situations and a weakness in others. Old habits die hard no matter how much you try and change. I am forcing myself to just sit with it and remember that~ it is lighter than you think.~ Something, I think I read on a list written by John Cage, that makes me feel better when I get bogged down by life's uncertainties and unfairness. If there's one thing I can't stand-- and one thing that keeps knocking me sqare in the face-- it's the idea of accepting reality, plain and simple, and moving forward even when it hurts like hell, even when it's so unfair. Another of my favorites, when your heart and mind don't match in their messages to you. Today, I am thinking about those qualities and characteristics that are my own strengths and weaknesses. How they serve and hinder me and how to deal with the clarity of seeing them in others. If it is true that the world is shaped by your inner outlook and attitude (which I believe in) and we all manifest our own destinies. How do turn self-sabotage around, or inside out, or make it work for you instead of against you? It is so hard for people to accept the reality/truth that is in their heart of hearts. It's taken me a LONG time to learn how to first, cut through my own bullshit and then, to see what my inner most feeling is, and finally to accept it for what it is....
Man, that is a hard lesson to learn.